Well folks, it's that time again, where I attempt to dispense advice that I know none of you are going to take, simply because you think a small furry creature such as myself couldn't possibly begin to comprehend the mere idea of true wisdom. Except for Lion-O, of course. Lion-O's such a good boy, he always listens to me, even when he doesn't want to. He knows old Snarf knows what he's talking about, and I'm so proud of my boy for following in my footsteps as well as he has.
Ahem.
It seems many of you have taken to mocking me in a recent 'Humor Olympics'. Let me say that while I possess a decent sense of humor, I am most certainly NOT amused by your sad attempts to demean me and my unique brand of sagely advice. Here I sit, day after day, working so hard to take care of Cats' Lair AND my friends AND answer your letters, and this is the thanks I get in return? You ungrateful bas - *ahem* On to the 'humorous' responses:
First up is a submission by some Elven lord, which, while not directly aimed at me, nonetheless makes fun of my protege' Lion-O and indirectly mocks the mentorship effect I have had on him. "Smarminator", indeed! If anyone needs to be busted for excessive judgementalism, it's the poster boy for mandatory exorcism, Jaga! I can't tell you how many times I've had to countermand some wacky advice he's tried to give Lion-O and set my boy on the right path. The sad thing is that Jaga and I used to see eye to eye on a lot of things, but ever since he got entangled in some kind of Sword of Plun-Darr scandal, he hasn't been, shall we say, right in the head ever since.
Then we have this ridiculous skit involving me and some freak called Steve Irwin. This guy is insane, if you ask me. Not only is it much harder to observe snarfs in our natural habitats than he would have you believe, but any fool knows - or ought to know - that the flagrantly red-and-yellow fur colorations on snarfs obviously means danger and that any predator who attempts to approach or handle a snarf will quickly find himself viciously shredded and mangled and - *ahem* I digress.
I've also seen submissions whereupon I am barbecued, electrocuted, and otherwise tortured in various imaginative but barbaric methods - and not-so-imaginative ones, as well, including an incident one night when I was about to go to sleep and upon drawing back the bedcovers, revealed what was supposed to be my nephew Snarfer's head all covered in "blood" and with a note that read, "You" and signed by a "Mr. M. Mutt." Ha ha. Nice try, Mumm-Ra. I know a certain 'Snarf-Ra' that'll be paying you a visit later, buster...
Oho, what's this? Seems we *do* have an advice letter, after all! Let's take a look, shall we? I knew some poor soul out there was in need of my immeasurable wisdom.
dear snarf,
snarfer tasted real good.
luv and doggy kisses, ma-mutt
p.s. can you take a bath in marinade tonight so your nice and tender cuz i like my food chewy. thanx
Errrrr...well....that's all the time we have for this column, friends. Be sure to join me next time, when I discuss the many uses for canine hide and have a special guest Warrior Maiden do a live demonstration!
~Snarf
The Show
